I am going to be asking my husband if we can see a couselor together. I am hoping that he will agree to do this and not get even more upset about the situation. I want to see a counselor not just because I think there is something wrong with my husband but because I am aware that there may be something wrong with me and my perspectives.
I want to feel like a whole person and as if I have a whole relationship. I also want to feel like my husband is whole person - which is another problem, not relating to pornography.
I need the feelings out on the table, and my husband has never been good with talking about his feelings or thoughts in general. He is not a man of philosophy. He seems intelligent with decisions that he makes in life generally, but when it comes to in depth thought about religion, marriage, love, children, social issues, culture, diet, ways of life, I am sad to say that he is lacking.
This issue of porn has brought out some potentially bigger issues in our relationship, as you can see. I knew that I was marrying a man that just lived life without much thought to its meaning, but I never realised that it would become an issue in our relationship in terms of affection, trust and communication. Maybe I was being unfair in marrying someone who could not feed me in terms of conversation and intellectual stimulation. I knew that, and I accepted the shell of a shallowness and superficiality that makes up what he finds to be important in life - cars, clothes, money. I can be those things, as well. I am multi-faceted.
I hope I am not sounding insulting. It sounds as if I am saying that my husband has no emotion, thoughts or feelings about much of anything, but unfortunately, from my perspective, that is what is being 'communicated' to me. I thought that within time, I would begin to see an inner person. Either he is not allowing me to know his inner self, or there just isn't one.
I am never getting to see a soft underbelly, the vulnerable 'I need you' side.
*Realise, that for the last three paragraphs, I am no longer talking about pornography*
I don't know what else to say. I am hoping that we can go to a counselor, and that I am wrong on everything - EVERYTHING. I would love to be wrong. I am open to anything, but what I need most is a husband who can communicate with me. The last thing I need is to find more things that he is just not sharing with me.
I need him to be open and honest. I thought I was getting at least honesty. To top the lack of emotion and communication with dishonesty is adding insult to injury.
He now seems even more self-absorbed and selfish to me than he ever did before. Selfishness can come in the form of feeling like you don't have to explain yourself to anyone or communicate your own personal feelings to anyone. Shyness can be selfishness, but believe me, he is not shy in many things that he talks about or to whom he speaks about them with.
I can accept selfishness but not to this extent. We are all selfish, but there has to be something, somewhere that allows others around you who are important to you to feel as if you would be willing to put yourself out for them.
I am trying to understand this pornography issue because I would like to move on to bigger problems - problems that I think my husband doesn't even understand the concept of. When I have tried to bring up things that I am talking about here, he looked at me pretty blankly. I thought it might be a language barrier at first. Now, I am not so sure. His English is near perfect, now, and it has been for about 3 years.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2006-08-14 05:46 pm (UTC)I am going to be asking my husband if we can see a couselor together. I am hoping that he will agree to do this and not get even more upset about the situation. I want to see a counselor not just because I think there is something wrong with my husband but because I am aware that there may be something wrong with me and my perspectives.
I want to feel like a whole person and as if I have a whole relationship. I also want to feel like my husband is whole person - which is another problem, not relating to pornography.
I need the feelings out on the table, and my husband has never been good with talking about his feelings or thoughts in general. He is not a man of philosophy. He seems intelligent with decisions that he makes in life generally, but when it comes to in depth thought about religion, marriage, love, children, social issues, culture, diet, ways of life, I am sad to say that he is lacking.
This issue of porn has brought out some potentially bigger issues in our relationship, as you can see. I knew that I was marrying a man that just lived life without much thought to its meaning, but I never realised that it would become an issue in our relationship in terms of affection, trust and communication. Maybe I was being unfair in marrying someone who could not feed me in terms of conversation and intellectual stimulation. I knew that, and I accepted the shell of a shallowness and superficiality that makes up what he finds to be important in life - cars, clothes, money. I can be those things, as well. I am multi-faceted.
I hope I am not sounding insulting. It sounds as if I am saying that my husband has no emotion, thoughts or feelings about much of anything, but unfortunately, from my perspective, that is what is being 'communicated' to me. I thought that within time, I would begin to see an inner person. Either he is not allowing me to know his inner self, or there just isn't one.
I am never getting to see a soft underbelly, the vulnerable 'I need you' side.
*Realise, that for the last three paragraphs, I am no longer talking about pornography*
I don't know what else to say. I am hoping that we can go to a counselor, and that I am wrong on everything - EVERYTHING. I would love to be wrong. I am open to anything, but what I need most is a husband who can communicate with me. The last thing I need is to find more things that he is just not sharing with me.
I need him to be open and honest. I thought I was getting at least honesty. To top the lack of emotion and communication with dishonesty is adding insult to injury.
He now seems even more self-absorbed and selfish to me than he ever did before. Selfishness can come in the form of feeling like you don't have to explain yourself to anyone or communicate your own personal feelings to anyone. Shyness can be selfishness, but believe me, he is not shy in many things that he talks about or to whom he speaks about them with.
I can accept selfishness but not to this extent. We are all selfish, but there has to be something, somewhere that allows others around you who are important to you to feel as if you would be willing to put yourself out for them.
I am trying to understand this pornography issue because I would like to move on to bigger problems - problems that I think my husband doesn't even understand the concept of. When I have tried to bring up things that I am talking about here, he looked at me pretty blankly. I thought it might be a language barrier at first. Now, I am not so sure. His English is near perfect, now, and it has been for about 3 years.
My husband is a Catholic-Venezuelan, by the way.