The most important issue for me is that pornography had long since been discussed before we got married. I said what I thought about it, as I thought he said what he thought about it, too.
It has been a serious issue in my life, where I was exposed to 'not-so-friendly' pornography before ever being given to chance to see 'friendly' pornography. It has, obviously, deeply affected my perspectives on pornography. I cannot accept pornography within a relationship without relating it back to myself, my spouse and what my spouse must think of me. What crazy things are going to come to my table? One never knows. And you would have to be understanding of how I could feel that way after finding "child pornography, scrotal inflation, sex with amputated limbs, sex with anorexics, sex with animals - you name it" on my home computer and from a man that you never would have guessed was interested in those things.
I did trust him. I trusted him with myself, and I trusted him with my son. That makes it even uglier. I trusted him until I asked to borrow his car the other day. I was looking through the back floorboard for some cd's and pulled a little black bag from under the passenger seat. It was empty DVD cases. So where were the DVD's?
They were in our closet, in a box, easy enough for my 10 year old son to reach - let alone me. This is a whole 'nother issue.
Not only did he do something that I thought we had long discussed and it left me feeling lied to among many other things, he left this material in a closet that he knows my son snoops through on a regular basis. He can make that choice for himself regardless of me approving of it, as he did, but he also made a choice for my son. One that I obviously do not take lightly.
You know, I have tried very hard through this relationship not to view him as a Latino male. Stereotyping is something I try to avoid at all costs. Should we say 'if the shoe fits, where it'? I have never really liked that saying. He does have some masculine behaviours that seem over exhagerated to me, being an American female - and now placing a cultural label on myself.
I will tell you that he has allowed me to and understood when I explained to him that getting out of his car to confront someone because they cut him off in traffic is not a positive behaviour in American terms. I also got him to understand that beating other men up over me isn't a good signal to me either. I explained that in his culture, it was probably considered manly. In this culture, you are considered less of a man by women when you don't have control of yourself.
I have seen his entire family cry and multiple times. Everytime they go to the airport to drop one or the other off, they cry - his sister, brothers, father and mother. What also hurts is that he cries when he takes his family to the airport, but he doesn't cry for me.
I'm sorry. I just feel hurt, lied to, distrusted and disrespected on multiple levels at this moment in my life, which all makes me feel 'unloved'. I am very appreciative of everyone commenting, whether it is to agree with me or not. I didn't come here to look for people to agree with me. I came here for a different perspective than my own.
Everything that has been said in this thread has given me something to think about, and I appreciate that.
*I have heard of the book that you speak about, but I must tell you that in my life, I have only read two books from front to back, when I was a teenager - Siddhartha and Damien. I am a non-fiction sort-of person, and though I guess you would consider the book that you speak of as being 'non-fiction', I just reference books and don't ever actually read them in entirity - my mistake in life. I like articles, though.*
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2006-08-15 06:16 pm (UTC)It has been a serious issue in my life, where I was exposed to 'not-so-friendly' pornography before ever being given to chance to see 'friendly' pornography. It has, obviously, deeply affected my perspectives on pornography. I cannot accept pornography within a relationship without relating it back to myself, my spouse and what my spouse must think of me. What crazy things are going to come to my table? One never knows. And you would have to be understanding of how I could feel that way after finding "child pornography, scrotal inflation, sex with amputated limbs, sex with anorexics, sex with animals - you name it" on my home computer and from a man that you never would have guessed was interested in those things.
I did trust him. I trusted him with myself, and I trusted him with my son. That makes it even uglier. I trusted him until I asked to borrow his car the other day. I was looking through the back floorboard for some cd's and pulled a little black bag from under the passenger seat. It was empty DVD cases. So where were the DVD's?
They were in our closet, in a box, easy enough for my 10 year old son to reach - let alone me. This is a whole 'nother issue.
Not only did he do something that I thought we had long discussed and it left me feeling lied to among many other things, he left this material in a closet that he knows my son snoops through on a regular basis. He can make that choice for himself regardless of me approving of it, as he did, but he also made a choice for my son. One that I obviously do not take lightly.
You know, I have tried very hard through this relationship not to view him as a Latino male. Stereotyping is something I try to avoid at all costs. Should we say 'if the shoe fits, where it'? I have never really liked that saying. He does have some masculine behaviours that seem over exhagerated to me, being an American female - and now placing a cultural label on myself.
I will tell you that he has allowed me to and understood when I explained to him that getting out of his car to confront someone because they cut him off in traffic is not a positive behaviour in American terms. I also got him to understand that beating other men up over me isn't a good signal to me either. I explained that in his culture, it was probably considered manly. In this culture, you are considered less of a man by women when you don't have control of yourself.
I have seen his entire family cry and multiple times. Everytime they go to the airport to drop one or the other off, they cry - his sister, brothers, father and mother. What also hurts is that he cries when he takes his family to the airport, but he doesn't cry for me.
I'm sorry. I just feel hurt, lied to, distrusted and disrespected on multiple levels at this moment in my life, which all makes me feel 'unloved'. I am very appreciative of everyone commenting, whether it is to agree with me or not. I didn't come here to look for people to agree with me. I came here for a different perspective than my own.
Everything that has been said in this thread has given me something to think about, and I appreciate that.
*I have heard of the book that you speak about, but I must tell you that in my life, I have only read two books from front to back, when I was a teenager - Siddhartha and Damien. I am a non-fiction sort-of person, and though I guess you would consider the book that you speak of as being 'non-fiction', I just reference books and don't ever actually read them in entirity - my mistake in life. I like articles, though.*