Pornography and relationships......

[orchidia.livejournal.com]

Hi, all. I am a 27 year old female who has been married and divorced once, and then, I married again. I have never really taken on any 'titles' to my points of view. I have strong feelings about things, but I have never classified them into a group of other's beliefs. I have never found one system of beliefs that fit everything I think and feel, so I don't bother trying to find one. I don't believe in God or any spiritual entity, but I do have my own ideas about morality.

I am curious how different people in this community might feel about pornography. I am curious if one feels it is okay at a certain point in life when one is not married or in a relationship. I am curious about one's feelings of its use inside a marriage with or without a spouse who consents to it. I am curious how one thinks their spouse should react to it. I am curious if one thinks it affects how he/she looks at him/herself. I am curious if one thinks it affects how he/she looks at others. I am curious how one thinks it changes their expectations in real sexual relationships. I am curious if one thinks it creates intimacy issues inside a relationship.

There are many other curiosities I can come up with, and if you are curious about my own viewpoint, you can read my own personal journal entry on it, which was the last entry I made in my own journal.

I am curious about this, obviously that I am posting it in this community, in a male viewpoint, as pornography is mainly geared towards men, and I believe them to be the main consumers of pornographic material.

Comments

[mediaprophet.livejournal.com]

Pornography that is good (from a straight male): REALISTIC porn. Not realistic LOOKING people, but realistic BEHAVING people. I have never met a woman who acted like mainstream porn women act.

This is NOT how sex really happens (or should happen):
Woman Begs For It->Oral->Oral->Missionary->Oral->Rear-Entry->Cowgirl->Anal->Facial->Woman looks satisfied->End.

Yet this is how mainstream "Teen Tramps 25!!!" porn portrays it.

Luckily there's some porn out there that's more realistic to how people actually behave in bed - whether a one-night-stand or a 10 year marriage.

As for couples watching porn...

"The internet has allowed such easy access to pornographic material and others who are interested in the same thing. You no longer need your spouse to find sexual gratification nor do you need to look to your spouse to determine what you need and want sexually"

If a person does not need their spouse, they shouldn't be married. I sought a woman (my wife) out because I need a real person in my bed. Masturbation should not be regulated in a marriage. The husband/wife should not have any say in when/how/etc their spouse masturbates unless it's causing a logistical problem ("those were SILK sheets!") or illegal ("not in front of the bay window!"). If you're bothered by your spouse masturbating, then you need to get over it, or take care of his/her sexual needs, or both.

And finally, mainstream porn for men is a characiture of what men in this culture really want. The porn shows women often-literally begging to be used as objects and loving it, which is an exaggerated form of what men really want. Men want (moderately) attractive women who genuinely want to have sex with them -- sex for the pleasure of sex or desire for the man, not in exchange for money / gifts / flashing a nice car / having a good job -- and aren't too afraid / prudish / proper / catty / shy / manipulative to show it.

If there's honest communication between spouses about what their expectations are and what they intend to GIVE each other in bed, then there's no problem. But NOBODY can be totally up-front about sex, because very few people know what they really want or what they are really capable of giving comfortably (or enthusiastically).

Porn has benefits to communication, too, if a couple watches/reads it together. Often, people are nervous about saying the words "cock" "pussy" "dildo" "clit" "head" "shaft" "lips" "balls" "doggy style" etc. in a real, intimate context because they're only ever used in perjoratives, rough slang, and dirty jokes. And "proper conversation" words like "labia majora" "vagina" "marital aid" "scrotum" "glans penis" etc. are too awkward and scientific because they're technical terms used by doctors and gynecologists. But porn uses them, and allows a couple to get used to hearing and saying them. In addition, porn introduces couples to alternative sexual practices that might bring them more pleasure. Gone are the days (if they ever truly existed) where a couple only has sex in the missionary position because that's all they know; now couples can see examples in HD! Plus, there's a porn for every kink, so couples can experiment with fun new things.

[musicpsych.livejournal.com]

I have a very "live and let live" relationship with people & porn. If you enjoy it, I don't see anything wrong with it.

Inside a relationship, I would almost want to separate one's identity from his porn, just because they're not necessarily related. If he needs certain "elements" within porn to turn him on, it doesn't make him a bad person. I think that having porn with those elements might allow him to keep them secret, if he's ashamed of it. I think it could create intimacy issues, but I also think that his partner could try to non-judgmentally accommodate them within their own sex life. Dan Savage has written a few things about this in his column "Savage Love." I can't find them right now, but I think they're worth checking out.

[dionysus1999.livejournal.com]

I take issue with the term pornography. I'd prefer the term erotica. Pornography has a negative connotation, but one person's porn is another's erotica. There's definitely a lot of bad erotica out there, which degrades the woman and certainly doesn't do much more for the man, typically reducing him to a meat stick. Of course, like most people, I still use the word porn to mean sexually explicit material.

I'd challenge your assertion that erotica is only male-focused. Most VISUAL erotica is male-centered. Research indicates men are hard-wired to respond visually to sexual stimuli. Most cultures reinforce this by covering certain areas of women's bodies, which emphasizes those body areas as being special in some way.

Women, from what I've read and know from female friends, tend to enjoy written erotica more. Fanfic is a great example of erotica written by and for other women. One friend wrote erotica when she was a young teen to aid in sex fantasies.

I don't pass judgement on anyone who uses erotica. Being in a committed relationship doesn't shut off a person's sexuality. Masturbation is something most people do, whether they are not dating at all, or are dating multiple people.

However, I have heard about people that become sexually obsessed about erotica. I've heard a few men say it interferes with their ability to have sex with their partner. Some people are prone to obsessive behavior, sexual obsessives are a subset of this group.

[firecat]

My view is that any porno or erotic material that isn't made by exploiting people is fine to use, and that spouses don't get to object to it any more than they get to object to what novels their spouse reads for fun.

I also think that it's rude to read your novel if your spouse wants to interact with you, and rude to read your novel aloud to your spouse if your spouse doesn't want to be read aloud to. The same goes for porn: If you like it and your spouse doesn't, then consume it when you're not around your spouse. (I don't mean be secretive about it, just don't rub their nose in it.)

As for how porn affects how people look at themselves and others, and how it changes people's expectations of real relationships, and whether it creates intimacy issues...this depends on the people involved. Insofar as consuming media affects these things for the worse, I believe that all media and not just porn can affect these things. So it doesn't make sense to single out porn for criticism.

By the way, I am 44 years old, female, and I consume more porn (mainly comic books) than my male life partner, with whom I have a good intimate relationship.